Dear Aziz,

I am so stoked that Andy is going to be on Parks and Rec with you. You know you will always be my favorite, but sometimes I like to watch Lonely Island videos too. Do you understand? And the short of him popping into the frame with his adorable smile? So precious. I mean, your smile is really great too. But Andy’s curls? I just want to run my fingers through them. Oh, Aziz, don’t be like that. Andy is just my celebrity crush. You’re still my number one man.

- F

Hey Aziz,

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve had law school finals, which, let me tell you, are a bitch. Today’s my last one. Thank jesus. Then I get to have winter break.

Anyway, I was writing to tell you I went to Chick-fil-A for lunch yesterday. I think I remember you liking Chick-fil-A. It’s so delicious and fried and chickeny. I had a chocolate milkshake too. That was awesome. Do you like chocolate?

Okay I have to go study some more. Talk to you later.

- F

azizisbored:

I’m very excited to announce that Jason Woliner and I have sold 3 movies to Judd Apatow and Universal! I am attached to star and Jason will direct.

One idea is tentatively titled “Let’s Do This” and is a road movie about two guys that work for a motivational speaking company.

Another idea is about two disgraced astronauts who have to go back to space to clear their names.

And the other idea is a movie based around Randy, my character from “Funny People.”

We’re currently working on all three ideas now and haven’t decided which we will go with first.

Needless to say, we are very excited to be working with Judd on these projects. Unfortunately, this does however put Jason and I’s plan to remake Short Circuit 2 (with myself playing the Michael McKean role in a revolutionary new makeup technique called “peachface”) on hold indefinitely.

Dear Aziz,

I am so excited about this. Great job. I’m sure these will all be awesome. It’s really unfortunate about Short Circuit 2 though. It sounds like it coulda been a contender. I would really like to come to these premieres when they’re done. Maybe I could even get a tour of the set. That would be really cool.

- F

Dear Aziz,

I’m a little bit of a star wars nerd. So I saw these shoes and just about hyperventilated. And the hoodie! Do you see that hoodie? God I want it. Thought I’d show you, since you’re awesome, you must love Star Wars as much as I do. I bet you were Boba Fett for Halloween once. (Because he’s the most badass character, and, next to Han, the sexiest). Anyway I hope you buy some of these shoes.

- F

azizisbored:

Dear People Magazine,

Aziz Ansari, Maxwell, and John Stamos here. Thanks for including us in your Sexiest Man Alive issue. Coincidentally, in addition to being the sexiest men of our respective ages, we are also best friends. Maxwell brought the magazine to brunch over the weekend and we all got a nice kick out of it. So thank you. Sincerely,

Aziz Ansari, Maxwell, and John Stamos

Dear Aziz,

Congratulations! Being sexy is a really hard job.

- F

Dear Aziz,

I see that you’re putting on a football uniform. That’s pretty cool. I bet you’ll look good in tight pants. I don’t really watch football, but if you were on a team, I would watch you play, because you’re my best friend. Okay, well have fun tonight.

Talk to you later,

F

thedailywhat:

This Noise.

Dear Aziz,

I thought you might find this funny. I think it’s funny. It revives “that’s what she said” by placing it in an anachronistic setting. This cartoonist is clever. You two would probably get along, because I think you’re very clever too.

- F

thedailywhat:

Stop What You’re Doing And Watch This CollegeHumor Original of the Day: Aubrey Plaza and Internet Fat Guy John Gemberling star in Twilight: Three Wolf Moon.

I can’t even put into words how much this needs to become real, but I’ll try: This really, really needs to become real.

[via.]

Dear Aziz,

Aubrey Plaza is in Parks and Recreation with you. She’s so lucky. She must have hated making this movie though, because you’re not in it. It would have been even funnier if you had been in it. Although three wolf moon shirts are pretty funny. The internet loves them. Do you love them? Do you have one of those shirts? I think the meme is a little lame, it’s nothing like this blog. But if you have one of these shirts, that’s cool. Maybe I could get one too, and then we’d match.

I’m so jealous of Aubrey Plaza.

- F

Dear Aziz,

I am reading for class. I’m a law student and we have to read lots of heavy lame books. I wish that I could read a book about you. Especially if it was one with more pictures than words. Pictures of you of course. Are there any picture books about you? If there are it would mean a lot if you sent me one.

Love,

F